How about some raw, honesty tonight?
Let’s talk about the struggles. The fights. The ugly. The
mess. The true story of being a single home schooling Christian mother of 2
young girls and 7 animals. Let’s discuss how sometimes I truly feel lost. I
feel like I’m losing this life battle. Don’t get me wrong, there are always
great moments, days, weeks and seasons in my life but, if we are being truthful
and upfront, there are also the days where I want to give up, where I feel Jesus
has forgotten about me, where I question whether or not I’m actually messing my
kids up or lifting them up.
I can’t tell you the pit in my stomach I get each and every
time I post a picture or a blurb about my day and I get those messages saying
what a superwoman I am, how people can’t believe I “got this”. It’s not true nor
is it my intentions to ever portray myself as a woman who has anything. Allow
me to get biblical for a quick second, I don’t have anything. Without Jesus on
that cross, I would have nothing. In fact, I still have nothing. He has it
all.
But what happens when I feel like He has given up on me?
What happens when my morning devotionals and prayer ends up with me on my knees,
crying out asking for help and not receiving the help I want/need. I’ll tell
you what happens. Nothing. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better or worse.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Why? That’s simple.
He isn’t going to give me anything
because I am not in charge. I can ask for all that I think I need/want but, in
reality, if it is not in His plan, I’m not getting any of it.
Ok, I’ll quit the Bible talk and move on to the core of
Christine. At my core, I am a girl looking for love in all the wrong places,
wounded by past mistakes and regrets, searching for answers to this thing
called life. All the while, posing happily for pictures, making social media
posts about my kids accomplishments and how being a single mom is wonderful.
It’s
not.
Before and after the pictures, there are usually tears, yells and multiple power
struggles between the kids and I. What you don’t see is the bags under my eyes,
the exhaustion in my entire soul, the sadness in my eyes. You don’t feel the
emptiness I feel and the desperate, overwhelming fear I wake up with every
morning knowing that it’s another 24 hours of being alone. Yes, I have my kids.
Yes, I have my pets. Yes, I have my family and friends. Yes, I have Jesus. But
let’s be honest, I want my man as well.
I have had some very inconsiderate people in my life tell me
to suck it up and realize that I am not a true single mother because the kids
have a very active father who pays child support. If having the man that
contributed to the life of his children show up on the weekends and pay me
money, as he should, negates the fact that I parent alone 5 days a week, that the
burden of every day is solely on my shoulders, that their education is mine
alone to face, that I get no break is not being a single mother, I’m confused.
Don’t misunderstand, I prefer to be a single mother if being
married to their father is the alternative. It is not to say he isn’t a good
father, it is to say that he and I were not a good match. Infidelity, lies,
disloyalty does not make a marriage. In the same respect, being completely
abandoned, financially and physically, does not solely make a single mother. I am
a single mother, no doubt.
I am tired.
No, I’m exhausted.
No, I’m completely drained.
Guess what?
It’s ok!
Why?
Because there are countless other women who live this same
exact struggle.
How do I know this?
Because I have built genuine relationships with people who
share their feelings with me. Who don’t hide behind camera lenses and computer
screens. Who don’t shove their feelings deep down in a corner of their soul
that even they themselves have forgotten exist. My tribe is filled with real and honest people.
In the past 2 days, my daughter Sonia finished her gymnastics
class and really had a great showcase of all of her abilities. She earned her
first stripe on her white belt at martial arts. She rode, steered and was in
complete control of her horse all on her own. Daniella has also shown some
great abilities but, our season is not of accomplishments. Our season is of
boundary pushing, tantrums and challenging me. Through everything, I have no
co-pilot.
I sat next to the moms and dads at the gymnastics showcase
with a smile on my face, trying to keep it together. I cried happy tears when
her sensei placed her first stripe on. I wrung my hands while praying please
don’t fall please don’t fall while she rode her horse by herself. I wrangled Daniella, trying not to look so embarrassed as other parents watched as she
yelled, screamed, wriggled, ran and cried all because…well, she’s three. No more
explanation needed. I came home to cook, clean, get them ready for bed, take care of the animals, clean some more with no assistance.
Yes, both parents can’t be at every event together and one spouse often works very late hours and can't help around the house, I
understand this. But to know, that after the kids are in bed, I don’t have my
other half to wind down with, to vent to, to show my corny videos from the day, to give me 3 minutes of peace to go to the bathroom, to gather my thoughts
or just to cook dinner while the kids are awake - that is being a single parent. I pray for anyone who
thinks otherwise.
It’s sad really.
I know God has the man for me and He will bring him to me
when the time is right. I know, like Sarah, I took matters into my own hands
and made a very bad choice when marrying my ex-husband and these are my
consequences.
But I also know God’s grace. He graced me with a man that is
a caring father and two amazing kids. He graced me with a home that I can
finally afford and make my own. He graced me with a lot.
Things are always getting better in my life and they are for
you too. But how many of us, can say that every day we live in those promises
with a joyful and hopeful heart? If we aren’t putting up a façade, the answer
is none of us.
We all feel sadness, despair and disappointment.
We all so desperately want to belong in a family. Family
doesn’t look the same for everyone and it doesn’t make anyone more than or less
than, it just makes us, well…us.
For me, my family looks like myself, my daughters and my
animals and will hopefully add a caring, selfless, attentive, caring, imperfect
man one day.
For you, your family could look very different.
At the end of it all, at the crux of the matter, at the core
of our souls, no matter what the outcome is or what we portray ourselves to be,
we are all the same.
We have the same feelings, the same dreams, the same heart.
It’s our job to dig deep, find our own and then grab the hand of another and
help them find theirs.
I am called to write this blog because I want to empower,
inspire and motivate people. I am called to open up and pour out my realities,
in hopes that, even if you don’t choose to share yours with me, that you might
identify and realize you are not alone.
It takes a village. Let’s all lift each other up and be real.
My happy photos, my accomplishments, my goals and my every
day happy moments will continue to be posted – nothing changes for me because I
wrote this. I am still a blogging, Christian home schooling woman who loves her kids and her life (most of the time).
What I hope changes for you, is that when you see a page filled
with the "perfect family", you take a moment and look deeper. Don’t whisper about
how “fake” that person is, don't get angry or idolize them.
Just know that life goes way beyond social media. There
is a beautiful person facing their own challenges on the other end of that
camera and keyboard. And maybe, just maybe, the posts are meant to inspire and
lift you up, not invoke negative feelings. I also challenge you to look deeper
into your own self if these feelings do come up for you.
If we stick together, we can change the hearts of a few
more. Life is so much better when we really live as a community. We owe it to ourselves, our
family and to the human race.
If you feel called to do so, please leave a comment about your feelings, your struggles, your empowering true emotions. Who knows, you may have something to say that someone else so desperately needs.
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